I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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