pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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