I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
