saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
