Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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