He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
