i don't like sucking hair
i think my mom watched the whole time
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
