a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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