Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
