I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
