I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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