Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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