I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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