I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
