There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
