i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
