i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
