Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
50% drunk capacity currently
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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