wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
