i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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