Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just want to make out with him forever
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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