Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
