the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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