its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
