He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
