i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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