I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We need to get me chipped asap
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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