i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
