yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
