i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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