I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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