I could make wine with my vomit
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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