I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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