Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
