On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
