this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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