either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
