apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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