I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
