I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
