I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
