how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
