Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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