I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
