I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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