she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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