Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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