i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
