i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
