i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
