I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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