forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
