i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
