You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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