Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
